catch me when i'm falling....

I feel like some people just get it. They immediately grasp the fullness of what God has for them and run with it...then there's those of us...like me. I've grown up in church my entire life...i put up a front for people most of my teen years..saying the right things, crying at the right times, praying in the right tones...being religious to the core. I feel like the last few years even, most of it has been the same thing...i remember the first time i went onto the missions field...and just KNOWING that was it...that was God's design for my life..thinking i knew what that looked like completely..and obviously not having a clue. Just recently..and now..i've been going through one of the hardest times of my life..by far. No details..just trust me when i say..it's been hard. Losing touch of reality and the feeling of not having control over my own mind. Praying and praying and praying for things to get better...and not feeling an ounce of peace no matter how hard I tried....key word...I....it's true...i can't do this life on my own. I've tried for entirely too long...catching glimpses of His fullness for my life here and there...and not knowing what to do with it. His fullness for my life doesn't mean knowing my future right now...but being with Him in the present...and not dwelling on the past. His fullness isn't a relationship with Him when things are just good...or crying out to Him when things are just bad....but being with Him in the bad, the good and the in between. I'm so tired of society and their gray areas when it comes to what His word PLAINLY states...that is NOT His fullness for my life..gray areas are NOT His fullness for anyones life....it's either in, or out...no sitting on the fence. that simple. Clearly we all fall short....But He catches me when i'm falling. Even if i can't feel it immediately. The strength to get through another day in this game called life. I have not arrived....and i still might not completely understand the fullness He has for me...i might get frustrated when i don't understand why He's letting me go through certain times...but this i know. That death on the cross is what caught me when i was falling. Now i'm free to move through this life with Him. In the good, the bad, and the in between. So are you.

losing my mind and finding it again....

I wanted to update my blog....but once i opened it i just kinda sat here with my fingers on the keyboard not knowing what to say. The past couple of months have been such a whirlwind of emotions and everything that comes with it. I hit a point last month where i literally thought and felt like i was losing control of my own mind. When i was a kid i struggled with OCD until i was about 13 and it decided to come back full force at age 22. How does that happen? I told someone recently that i know I wouldn't exist on this earth anymore if it wasn't for the fact that I know Jesus. I don't have any idea how people go through life without knowing Him. For me, it's an impossibility. I'm doing much better. THings are still up and down, but i definitely feel like im' on an upward spiral now and not spiraling downward. I went to Florida for 4 days and was able to talk things out with people i feel safe with.

I was promoted to Manager in training at the good ol' crocs kiosk about 2 months ago too. I've been super busy since and that's about all I do right now. Tomorrow i have the day off and i'm VERY much looking forward to sleeping in and hanging out with some friends during the day.

It was really nice to be able to go to Florida. To be about familiar for a couple of days. This year has been filled with so many transitions and i think everything really just caught up to me. I moved to Colorado, have lived in 3 different houses since then, signed my first lease, started 2 different jobs, dated a boy for the first time in years, got hurt....yeah, it's just a breath of fresh air to go back to what you knew your whole life....but just for a visit. I very much feel like even though it's been tough...it's been amazing all in the same breath....I know i'm where the Lord wants me...I don't know WHY He wants me here yet..but it feels good knowing that's where i'm supposed to be. I'm learning alot about myself. I decided Florida is a GREAT place to visit...but i'm not at all certain it'd be easy to ever live there again....

Thanksgiving is coming up, and it's the first big holiday away from my family. I'm spending it with my amazing friend Tirzah and her family and i'm really excited about that. I had a few different invites but that one felt the best. :)

It's been probably a good 3 months since i have had a home cooked meal and i'm craving it oh so badly haha!!

That's about it for now...

Life as i know it....

Not a whole lot has changed over the last month really. I've been working...went on a few dates with a boy i met on pearl street about a month and a half ago...My job's going pretty well. Tomorrow i have an interview with the district manager and i will know then if i'm getting promoted to Manager in training...basically i'm already doing everything that an MIT does, just not getting paid quite as well as i should be for it ;) It's ok though. I need this promotion or i need to look for a new job, that pays more/gives me more hours...i'm barely making it paycheck to paycheck with the amount of rent i'm paying...eating out alot doesn't help either..but it's kinda impossible to avoid it when you work in the mall and have no where to store food for your break ;)

Enough about the job...I've been missing people from Florida ALOT lately...I'm not sure that i'll get to go home during christmas time, which will be super hard for me...but God knows, and it'll all work out. My little brother is so cute...he has been going fishing alot and caught these fish called "jack carvel's" and he calls them "Dad fish"....my dad's name is Jack lol...I love him! I hear my little sister is super tall and i half expect her to be my height when i get home next lol...

Life is decent. I'm off today so i've been sleeping alot. I've had a hard couple of days.

Peace!

go with the flow

I love being in the place where the Lord is speaking so much into my heart that i couldn't say one thing that could express even in the slighted what He's doing. Does that make sense? And i'm best with words...maybe not saying them..but writing them down. When the Lord has me speachless..it's a good thing :)

I'm so sure that moving to colorado has been one of those GREAT decisions. Where you KNOW that you KNOW that you're where the Lord wants you...He's so much been working in different areas of my life..and it's not all a peice of cake..actually...most of it has been ridiculously hard. Such a huge emtional rollercoaster of ups and downs. I think i need this move to break away from being underneath authority...authority meaning living under my parents rules...or under rules of an organization to begin to know my identity apart from who i am with, and what i am doing. On my own, i am growing in my reltionaship with the Lord.

So i'm still church hunting. I have gone back and forth between cornerstone and city on the Hill..and this past week i tried highway community...david crowder's brothers church..it's really small, and just started 6 months ago and i think that's amazing. I enjoyed it..i enjoyed the sermon, and i enjoyed the worship! There are not many people but EVERYONE is young. I think i'll keep trying it out and praying about it and see what the Lord wants.

Ultimately the Lord is telling to stop planning my life. So right now i'm living the "go with the flow" method of life and i love it. Freedom is fantastic. Just moving with Jesus and listening for His voice to tell me what's next.

He's good. So good.

Miss my friends from florida mucho...and my family mucho mucho.

:)

"Just be with me"

So it's been a crazy month so far. I moved into my new place and i LOVE it. It's beautiful, and my roommates are great. But moving in has been such a challenge financially. Mostly, because i just started my job a couple weeks ago so i haven't yet gotten a full paycheck....and then there's been several other things that have just been going on...overdraws...credit cards screwing up..one thing after another. But things seem to be moving upward now..God is faithful always.

I just found out about 4 days ago that i am not going to school again this semester..which at first was super super frustrating. Basically fasfa just now got back to me about financial aid, and approved me for a loan...of which wasn't enough to go to school full time, and the type of loan it was, wasn't worth going part time. And since classes start in a week i didn't have to time to apply for anymore, get my stuff transferred over etc etc...crazy and ridiculous but obviously the Lord has other ideas..once again. So when deciding if i should just go part time with the loan...i was praying that the Lord would speak clearly to me, bc i've been dealing with this the last few semesters..and the next day more then once it was brought up..in sermons..in conversation...that it's not about my accomplishments, or when i get my degree...if at all...Just to BE with Him. Which is super freeing...just to be able to move with Him, despite what the world thinks i should be doing. I do think i'll go to school, perhaps next semester...i will be applying for scholarships and such this fall and preparing for it...but if He closes the door again..so be it. Living a life freely in the will of God is much better then a nursing degree or any acheivement of the sort if it's not what He wants me to have.

I'm working for crocs in the mall and i like it. still babysitting quite a bit...and just settling into my beautiful new home. I love it in Colorado...i do feel i made the right decision moving here 5 1/2 months ago!

Sweep me off my feet

I have watched 3 of my friends get married this summer. All 3 were beautiful weddings, all 3 made beautiful brides, and all 3 are incredibly happy. Having said that..it's gotten me thinking a lot about what i want my wedding to be like..when i'll meet someone...etc etc....

please know that this next portion is just me rambling about what's been going on in my head....you really don't have to read it if you don't want to...i just needed to write my emotions out.

I know that i'm not supposed to look for someone...i know that it'll happen, and i will be swept off my feet and that's super exciting. I've been obedient in the relationship area for the past several years. When i was 18 i broke up with a boy, and promised the Lord i wouldn't be in a relationship again for a year...time to focus on myself...it's been 4 years (in december)since then. The best 4 years of my life. I've learned so much about myself...i've allowed myself time to be healed from the inside out...i've discovered what it means to really be in relationship. A love relationship with my heavenly Father...I've enjoyed being young, and single..traveling..not being in school..Not living under my parents roof...moving to several different places and ending up in Boulder, Colorado where i knew next to nobody (other then you tirz) and I have grown to love this incredibly strange place so very much. Can i just say...I cannot wait to be swept off my feet. I can't wait to fall in love. I know i'm young, and that there is time...but i, like many other girls my age..want to meet the love of my life.

I've been in a wierd mood today...kinda lonely..even though i was with people most of the day. What ever...

I signed my lease today. i started my job yesterday. I've been house sitting for the last couple of nights. and i got to see one of my very best friends this past weekend. I should be happy..and i am. I think i'm just a hormonal grump today :)

Back in Boulder

So i've been back in Colorado for 2 weeks and it's been great. Challenging to say the least, but great. In 2 weeks the Lord has provided me with a job. And a place to live! I am working at the Crocs Kiosk in the middle of the mall....yeah, i'm excited! i'm also nannying part time for a wonderful family here in Boulder. And i'm moving into a 4 bedroom town house on the 5th of August with 3 other girls. I'm WAY excited about that. God is crazy good. This summer has been really good. I'm nice and tan (still)..I got to be with my family and friends in Florida, now i'm in Colorado spending time with people here. Tomorrow i leave for Crested butte for my friend Hayden's wedding. 3rd wedding this summer! K so there's a nice blog for you. I was told by my friend Tirzah that there is no point to having a blog if you don't use it...which is true. :)