to plan, or not to plan....

So when i moved here i had a whole list i wanted to accomplish...go to school, learn how to play an instrument....well..that's just a couple of them...but school isn't gonna happen...at least not for awhile..it's just something i don't feel an immediate need to do at this moment..at least not a 4 year degree...and i took guitar lessons for a month before i went to FL for a month this summer...and never picked it back up again because my job keeps me super busy and i don't have much time for planned events...such as weekly guitar lessons.

I decided not to make any huge plans for my life a couple of months ago for awhile...not to have anything set on the horizon and to roll with life. It's been interesting and fun :) We're approaching the new year and there are now a few oppertunities i'm starting to see arise...

Right now i'm basically just working..i'm the assistant manager (or MIT) at the crocs kiosk at the flat irons mall.

I've been offered a position at our seasonal store at Elitch Gardens this upcoming year as the manager. I will be payed salary for the duration of the stores opening and when i'm finished i'd be going back to Flat Irons to assistant manage again. I would be at Elitches from May-october. This day in age...and at the age i am..it's not a bad oppertunity AT all.

Idealy this is what i'd like to do. Take the position, and find an EMT school that does night classes. EMT school generally last about 3-4 months and you go a couple nights a week. I'd finish at elitches and be finishing school around the same time so i could shift right into an EMT position.

So i guess we'll see :) great oppertunity...and more to come i'm sure...including more missions overseas....which i've been missing dearly lately. I realized just the other day it's been nearly a year and a half since i last was on African soil.

Random post..but hey..it's my blog right?? ;)

catch me when i'm falling....

I feel like some people just get it. They immediately grasp the fullness of what God has for them and run with it...then there's those of us...like me. I've grown up in church my entire life...i put up a front for people most of my teen years..saying the right things, crying at the right times, praying in the right tones...being religious to the core. I feel like the last few years even, most of it has been the same thing...i remember the first time i went onto the missions field...and just KNOWING that was it...that was God's design for my life..thinking i knew what that looked like completely..and obviously not having a clue. Just recently..and now..i've been going through one of the hardest times of my life..by far. No details..just trust me when i say..it's been hard. Losing touch of reality and the feeling of not having control over my own mind. Praying and praying and praying for things to get better...and not feeling an ounce of peace no matter how hard I tried....key word...I....it's true...i can't do this life on my own. I've tried for entirely too long...catching glimpses of His fullness for my life here and there...and not knowing what to do with it. His fullness for my life doesn't mean knowing my future right now...but being with Him in the present...and not dwelling on the past. His fullness isn't a relationship with Him when things are just good...or crying out to Him when things are just bad....but being with Him in the bad, the good and the in between. I'm so tired of society and their gray areas when it comes to what His word PLAINLY states...that is NOT His fullness for my life..gray areas are NOT His fullness for anyones life....it's either in, or out...no sitting on the fence. that simple. Clearly we all fall short....But He catches me when i'm falling. Even if i can't feel it immediately. The strength to get through another day in this game called life. I have not arrived....and i still might not completely understand the fullness He has for me...i might get frustrated when i don't understand why He's letting me go through certain times...but this i know. That death on the cross is what caught me when i was falling. Now i'm free to move through this life with Him. In the good, the bad, and the in between. So are you.

losing my mind and finding it again....

I wanted to update my blog....but once i opened it i just kinda sat here with my fingers on the keyboard not knowing what to say. The past couple of months have been such a whirlwind of emotions and everything that comes with it. I hit a point last month where i literally thought and felt like i was losing control of my own mind. When i was a kid i struggled with OCD until i was about 13 and it decided to come back full force at age 22. How does that happen? I told someone recently that i know I wouldn't exist on this earth anymore if it wasn't for the fact that I know Jesus. I don't have any idea how people go through life without knowing Him. For me, it's an impossibility. I'm doing much better. THings are still up and down, but i definitely feel like im' on an upward spiral now and not spiraling downward. I went to Florida for 4 days and was able to talk things out with people i feel safe with.

I was promoted to Manager in training at the good ol' crocs kiosk about 2 months ago too. I've been super busy since and that's about all I do right now. Tomorrow i have the day off and i'm VERY much looking forward to sleeping in and hanging out with some friends during the day.

It was really nice to be able to go to Florida. To be about familiar for a couple of days. This year has been filled with so many transitions and i think everything really just caught up to me. I moved to Colorado, have lived in 3 different houses since then, signed my first lease, started 2 different jobs, dated a boy for the first time in years, got hurt....yeah, it's just a breath of fresh air to go back to what you knew your whole life....but just for a visit. I very much feel like even though it's been tough...it's been amazing all in the same breath....I know i'm where the Lord wants me...I don't know WHY He wants me here yet..but it feels good knowing that's where i'm supposed to be. I'm learning alot about myself. I decided Florida is a GREAT place to visit...but i'm not at all certain it'd be easy to ever live there again....

Thanksgiving is coming up, and it's the first big holiday away from my family. I'm spending it with my amazing friend Tirzah and her family and i'm really excited about that. I had a few different invites but that one felt the best. :)

It's been probably a good 3 months since i have had a home cooked meal and i'm craving it oh so badly haha!!

That's about it for now...

Life as i know it....

Not a whole lot has changed over the last month really. I've been working...went on a few dates with a boy i met on pearl street about a month and a half ago...My job's going pretty well. Tomorrow i have an interview with the district manager and i will know then if i'm getting promoted to Manager in training...basically i'm already doing everything that an MIT does, just not getting paid quite as well as i should be for it ;) It's ok though. I need this promotion or i need to look for a new job, that pays more/gives me more hours...i'm barely making it paycheck to paycheck with the amount of rent i'm paying...eating out alot doesn't help either..but it's kinda impossible to avoid it when you work in the mall and have no where to store food for your break ;)

Enough about the job...I've been missing people from Florida ALOT lately...I'm not sure that i'll get to go home during christmas time, which will be super hard for me...but God knows, and it'll all work out. My little brother is so cute...he has been going fishing alot and caught these fish called "jack carvel's" and he calls them "Dad fish"....my dad's name is Jack lol...I love him! I hear my little sister is super tall and i half expect her to be my height when i get home next lol...

Life is decent. I'm off today so i've been sleeping alot. I've had a hard couple of days.

Peace!

go with the flow

I love being in the place where the Lord is speaking so much into my heart that i couldn't say one thing that could express even in the slighted what He's doing. Does that make sense? And i'm best with words...maybe not saying them..but writing them down. When the Lord has me speachless..it's a good thing :)

I'm so sure that moving to colorado has been one of those GREAT decisions. Where you KNOW that you KNOW that you're where the Lord wants you...He's so much been working in different areas of my life..and it's not all a peice of cake..actually...most of it has been ridiculously hard. Such a huge emtional rollercoaster of ups and downs. I think i need this move to break away from being underneath authority...authority meaning living under my parents rules...or under rules of an organization to begin to know my identity apart from who i am with, and what i am doing. On my own, i am growing in my reltionaship with the Lord.

So i'm still church hunting. I have gone back and forth between cornerstone and city on the Hill..and this past week i tried highway community...david crowder's brothers church..it's really small, and just started 6 months ago and i think that's amazing. I enjoyed it..i enjoyed the sermon, and i enjoyed the worship! There are not many people but EVERYONE is young. I think i'll keep trying it out and praying about it and see what the Lord wants.

Ultimately the Lord is telling to stop planning my life. So right now i'm living the "go with the flow" method of life and i love it. Freedom is fantastic. Just moving with Jesus and listening for His voice to tell me what's next.

He's good. So good.

Miss my friends from florida mucho...and my family mucho mucho.

:)

"Just be with me"

So it's been a crazy month so far. I moved into my new place and i LOVE it. It's beautiful, and my roommates are great. But moving in has been such a challenge financially. Mostly, because i just started my job a couple weeks ago so i haven't yet gotten a full paycheck....and then there's been several other things that have just been going on...overdraws...credit cards screwing up..one thing after another. But things seem to be moving upward now..God is faithful always.

I just found out about 4 days ago that i am not going to school again this semester..which at first was super super frustrating. Basically fasfa just now got back to me about financial aid, and approved me for a loan...of which wasn't enough to go to school full time, and the type of loan it was, wasn't worth going part time. And since classes start in a week i didn't have to time to apply for anymore, get my stuff transferred over etc etc...crazy and ridiculous but obviously the Lord has other ideas..once again. So when deciding if i should just go part time with the loan...i was praying that the Lord would speak clearly to me, bc i've been dealing with this the last few semesters..and the next day more then once it was brought up..in sermons..in conversation...that it's not about my accomplishments, or when i get my degree...if at all...Just to BE with Him. Which is super freeing...just to be able to move with Him, despite what the world thinks i should be doing. I do think i'll go to school, perhaps next semester...i will be applying for scholarships and such this fall and preparing for it...but if He closes the door again..so be it. Living a life freely in the will of God is much better then a nursing degree or any acheivement of the sort if it's not what He wants me to have.

I'm working for crocs in the mall and i like it. still babysitting quite a bit...and just settling into my beautiful new home. I love it in Colorado...i do feel i made the right decision moving here 5 1/2 months ago!

Sweep me off my feet

I have watched 3 of my friends get married this summer. All 3 were beautiful weddings, all 3 made beautiful brides, and all 3 are incredibly happy. Having said that..it's gotten me thinking a lot about what i want my wedding to be like..when i'll meet someone...etc etc....

please know that this next portion is just me rambling about what's been going on in my head....you really don't have to read it if you don't want to...i just needed to write my emotions out.

I know that i'm not supposed to look for someone...i know that it'll happen, and i will be swept off my feet and that's super exciting. I've been obedient in the relationship area for the past several years. When i was 18 i broke up with a boy, and promised the Lord i wouldn't be in a relationship again for a year...time to focus on myself...it's been 4 years (in december)since then. The best 4 years of my life. I've learned so much about myself...i've allowed myself time to be healed from the inside out...i've discovered what it means to really be in relationship. A love relationship with my heavenly Father...I've enjoyed being young, and single..traveling..not being in school..Not living under my parents roof...moving to several different places and ending up in Boulder, Colorado where i knew next to nobody (other then you tirz) and I have grown to love this incredibly strange place so very much. Can i just say...I cannot wait to be swept off my feet. I can't wait to fall in love. I know i'm young, and that there is time...but i, like many other girls my age..want to meet the love of my life.

I've been in a wierd mood today...kinda lonely..even though i was with people most of the day. What ever...

I signed my lease today. i started my job yesterday. I've been house sitting for the last couple of nights. and i got to see one of my very best friends this past weekend. I should be happy..and i am. I think i'm just a hormonal grump today :)

Back in Boulder

So i've been back in Colorado for 2 weeks and it's been great. Challenging to say the least, but great. In 2 weeks the Lord has provided me with a job. And a place to live! I am working at the Crocs Kiosk in the middle of the mall....yeah, i'm excited! i'm also nannying part time for a wonderful family here in Boulder. And i'm moving into a 4 bedroom town house on the 5th of August with 3 other girls. I'm WAY excited about that. God is crazy good. This summer has been really good. I'm nice and tan (still)..I got to be with my family and friends in Florida, now i'm in Colorado spending time with people here. Tomorrow i leave for Crested butte for my friend Hayden's wedding. 3rd wedding this summer! K so there's a nice blog for you. I was told by my friend Tirzah that there is no point to having a blog if you don't use it...which is true. :)

Coming home soon....

So i've been in Florida for about 3 1/2 weeks and have spent alot of that time at a pool or a beach despite the fact that we've had alot of crappy weather since the first week i was here! Yay for typical Florida summers, where it's sunny one minute and a lightning storm the next. I'm leaving Port Saint Lucie thursday night and staying in cocoa for the evening...then early friday i am driving to Virginia with 2 of the guys from cocoa for beautiful Christy's wedding :)

This trip has been super interesting, and super super challenging for me...as i knew it would be before i came here. I honestly had no idea why i was come back to Florida instead of going into the 3rd world this summer. In my mind it was to help my family...felt like i could change things i guess. Just in the last week the Lord has been showing me why He really brought me here. Last summer i began praying that the Lord would bring me to the root of some of the problems from my past. Co-depency being the main thing. I knew, and know that i've been healed from all the things from me past...but also know i haven't been able to experience that freedom to it's fullest without getting to the root of it all...So this summer I was brought back to Florida to confront it face to face...I don't want to go into detail on this thing, but i know that I can't change people. I can only change myself. I can forgive, and i can move on. It's been hard, as i knew it would be once i began seeing the root of things, but it's good. I thank God for His faithfulness.

That being said...i can't wait to get back to colorado...i have a crazy month in front of me, trying to figure out living, and job situations and such...but i'm excited to see God's provisian :)

Florida, and Tyler-isms :)

I have been in Florida for about 9 days now. It's going quite well..I've enjoyed seeing familiar faces, and i've enjoyed the BEACH. :) i thought i would go ahead and start making a list of tyler (my 5 year old brother) quotes...i'm sure i'll be able to build on it for the next couple of weeks :)

1) "look! I got a dollar!!!! jason gave it to me...Just for licking my foot!"

2)Tyler: "I have to poop so bad!!!"

Me: "We're almost home..just hold it"

Hayley: "Tyler can you hand me that book??"

Tyler: "I can't! I'm too busy consentrating on squeezing my butt cheeks together!"

3) mom: "You guys are going to hate each other by the time you go back to colorado" (talking about Hayley, tyler, and me)

Me: "we aren't going to hate each other"

Tyler: "I already don't like you" (hahaha)


More to come later :)

Going on a jet plane.

So i quit my job today. And i couldn't be happier. Now i have time to babysit, clean out my room, talk to school advisers, and of course hang out with people. I'm not going to indonesia and feel certain i've made the right decision staying in the USA this year. I'm going to Florida next thursday and will be there most of June. It should be fun. my family is planning stuff for us to do AS a family..like camping. How fun...miserably hot at night i'm sure..but it should be a blast. I've recently started going to a new church called Cornerstone Church, and i really like it. There are alot of people my age, and it's solid. I've been having fun hanging out with my new friends, and making newer ones :) I can't wait to see my friends and family in Florida, even though it's only been 3 months..i think that's long enough.

Yay life :)

Love

The world lies in front of me like a blank canvas
The possibilities endless
Alone, but surrounded deeply by a love so intense and real
A heart aching to know more of your fullness, your joy, your love, more of You.
After years passed of mere religion and ideas the fullness of relationship is beginning to emerge.
Beautiful love. So intense. So intimate. Never ending.
The impossibilities of yesterday becoming possible today.
This is not my solo, but our duet. I can not do this on my own. But with the help of Love. You.

Through the solitude...I will draw closer to you.

I thought it might be time to write an update on my life since moving across the country :)

It has been just over 2 months since i packed up my things and drove across the country to my new home in Boulder, Colorado. My time here so far is super hard to explain. The first month here I had no job at all and spent a lot of time wallowing in self pity because i missed Florida (as badly as i was ready to get out)..and i wasted a lot of time doing..well..nothing. I got to see my friend Cheyanne and few times and meet some more of her friends in Fort Collins before i drove her back home (crested butte, Colorado) for the summer. After i got home from dropping her off last month, i finally got a job. I'm working at a deli and it's the most ridiculous job i've ever had. Yes, even more so than the telemarketing job. :) I started babysitting for a wonderful family here in boulder regularly, and they've offered me a room behind their house rent free in exchange for some babysitting. Total blessing, and answer to prayers, as the living situation i'm in right now tends to be a little difficult sometimes. I will be moving into town where i'll be closer to the mountains, and closer to...everything. :)

When i was in Crested butte i randomly heard about this college group call Christan Challenge back in Boulder that was supposed to be full of great people. So i went. I couldn't even make it 2 feet in the door before i was swamped with person after person introducing themselves and wanting to know about me. I was only able to go that one time, because i was babysitting the rest of the wednesdays before the group ended for the school year..but i met SO many people, and made a couple of really great friends. I can't wait to get to know more of them. I had tried another college group before that one, and tried connecting with people in other ways, but it wasn't happening. Before walking into Christian challenge that night, i literally prayed that i would be able to connect with these people, and that i could make some friends...and once again. He answered my prayers :)

The solitude has been such a change in my life. It's pushed me so much more deeply in Love with my BEST friend..my savior, my Lord...Scripture is becoming so alive to me. Verses i've read before that didn't mean anything to me at all are jumping out at me and touching my life on such a real level. I love...love. I'm finding that He is the one that is pursueing me. He wants to be with me. He wants to love on me. He wants to be in a LOVE relationship with me.

This move has NOT been easy. I'm still very much transitioning..I very much miss people back home, and find it hard being away from my family...since they are going through struggles of their own. There are very many uncertainties right now with school and such...but He said move...and I did. So i'm trusting Him for the rest. Though it's not been easy..i'm very much at peace where i am. I'm discovering myself in the process.

That's it :) kinda long..but whatever...if you made it to the end you're a trooper ;)

Oh Colorado...

Tuesday night my friends all came to Outback for a going away party for me. It was so nice being able to laugh with everyone. Afterward i went and hung out with Allysar and Leah until a crazy AM hour and had a blast. The wednesday i packed up, had coffee with Rach, went to the church and said my final goodbyes. I left Florida on Wednesday afternoon and after 8 states, and 36 hours of driving..i arrived in Colorado last night (Saturday evening). The trip here was interesting, and fun. I stopped in GA just for the night. Saw my brother and his girlfriend...then driving through arkansas at night it started snowing hardcore..apparently the next day there was like 14 inches or something..semi's literally kept running me off the road. It was scarey for my Florida girl self. I stayed 2 nights in Oklahoma with my wonderful friend Hayden. We went rock climbing, played raquet ball, played pool, went to the movies. It was fun..lots of laughter :) Then I drove all day yesterday and finally got here.

This has been one of the hardest things ever. immediately after leaving Florida i began crying...Thinking about all the things i was leaving, all the people i was leaving..to go to a place where i not much familiar with,and barely have any friends at all...but doing it in Faith knowing this IS where God wants me to be. I know i am supposed to be here. God has opened doors like crazy...from a place to live, to the money (and some) to get over here. I understand that God sometimes brings us to a place where we have to sacrifice things that we love for Him...to grow deeper, closer, and more intimately in love with Him. I'm excited about my life these next couple of years..right now it all hurts so bad...I often cry...but i KNOW He's got a life planned for me far beyond what i can imagine. I'm in love with Jesus...

I miss you Florida.

I don't know how to be happy...not right now.

this is just me right now. Do not read if you don't want to..it's just my thoughts.


It's been a month since the staff retreat. It's been a really crazy month. So many decisions, so many thoughts running through my head ALL THE TIME. As my last post said...i left working with overland full time. Hardest thing i've probably ever done. I mean..i'm still here right now..i still go in every day for at least a couple of hours...but i've closed the chapter in my life for now. Not the chapter for missions..that chapter will not close. Not for a long time at least...My passion is missions...people groups...the third world...just unreached people in general...even if it's here in America. I am moving to colorado. It's about a 95% sure thing. Next month, or the beginning of April. I'm taking an EMT course the beginning of next month and the organization was so gracious and blessed me with more than half off the original price of the course. Thank you Jesus.

I am really really excited about being where I am supposed to be. I don't know why colorado. It's something that started stirring in me last year while i was living out there for a couple of months.

And though I am excited about being where I am supposed to be. There's the getting there factor. I have a REALLY crappy job right now. Literally HATE it. yeha..the telemarketing one. Who knew.I am not brining in nearly enough money.. And also there is the factor of leaving my family, and 90% of my friends to go over there for SCHOOL. One of the things that clinches my heart the most is not being able to drive down and see my sweet sweet little siblings Hayley and Tyler. They are growing so much every day...and i love them so incredibly much. But hey...there is always holidays right?

my heart aches inside my chest most of the day...it's a really weird feeling. Because i do have peace about the decision i have made. I have ALOT of peace. But still..my heart is aching. I think that's normal...i mean...it's just really alot to swallow i think. There is also the factor of not being in Africa this summer for the 1st time in 3 years. That hurts too. I hope to go somewhere this year still though :) I'm thnking asia would be amazing...Brazil sounds pretty great too.
And Overland...i love Overland. i will still travel with them, be in connection with them...recruit for them. I'm going to make colorado one of our biggest sending states. (In Jesus Name)...go to conferences with them...i'm just not going to be based in Florida with them.

Anyway...that's that. I'm moving forward..i am. I'm excited about it. and the aching will stop..it might just take a little while.

I just don't know....

I am a missionary. I've been to Africa 3 times in the past 2 1/2 years. I've spent 11 months at a missionary base in Zambia, Africa. I've spent the past 2 years solid working for a missions organization called Overland Missions. I've grown to love every one on my team like they're my own family. I need to go to school. I know that this is the next step that i'm to take in my life. Right now i'm still that Uneducated, telemarketing, homeless, missionary. In other words. I'm living with my amazing friend Amy and her Amazing family. But i was only supposed to be there for 2 weeks..going on 6 now i think. I work 11 hours a day. 7 in the OM offices, 4 as a telemarketer (i hate telemarketing...but definitely do not get mad when they call me now!). I was supposed to go to school this month...God closed the door right now. 5 months ago i talked about moving to colorado for school but decided to stay here for instate tuition and honestly to be with my friends, and work with overland. I have a whole year now where i can't go to school. I could go establish residency somewhere. Working with overland missions is a closed chapter in my life. It's a chapter that has BEEN closed for months...but one that i've tried SO hard to keep open. I can't move forward anywhere if i'm not moving forward in the area God wants me to be moving forward in. I'm not going to move forward in the ministry, i'm not going to move forward in a job... until i move forward with school. It doesn't make sense right now...I never wanted to go to college. I have grown to love the medical field though...so nursing makes sense. Anyway...

To make a long story short. Yesterday i stepped down from Overland Missions staff...to volunteer. That's ok. these past 2 years i've gotten such a beautiful taste of what i want to do with the rest of my life. My heart beats so hard for the nations...my heart beats for the mission field. I don't ever see myself leading huge teams. Theoretically one day i would love to get married...and travel with him to the villages, and islands that have yet to be reached with the undeniable, indescribable, love of Jesus Christ. Hey..that's a dream. I thought i didn't have any...but that's been a dream of mine for years. It'll happen. One day.

I'm scared. really scared. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that i'm not. I know that whether i stay in cocoa, or move to colorado, or where ever.. that i need to make schooling my focus for awhile. Change is scarey sometimes...and i don't even have the slightest clue what is going to happen :)

Man o man. I might be a missionary...I might be an aspiring nurse...I might be a telemarketer...but that's not who I REALLY am...that's not my identity. I am a child of God. Simply put. That's my identity.